You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
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My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
Wednesday
