You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
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My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.