You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
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“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…
There’s safety in numb-bears.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
me when the borders lift
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.