You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
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Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?