You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
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It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!