You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
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Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill