“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
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Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am