“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
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If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”