Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR