You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
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I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower: