You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
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An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.