You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
You Might Also Like
we all know this pain all too well
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here