You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
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The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Help
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.