you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
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Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal