you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
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Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
No.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.