@ashleyaustrew

You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
Goldfish
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
7 Legos
– Chopped: Moms Edition

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@thejessbess

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

@TheBoydP

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

@jonnysun

[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

@WilliamAder

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

@StcyBnsn

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

@peytnhaag

$5 a week has been coming out of my bank for months and i only just realized i adopted a kangaroo named Poppy on New Year’s Eve while i was destroyed

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

*i catch my popular son trying to sneak out of the house in a letterman jacket again* oh no you don’t, mister. this is a goth family

@KeetRidley

“Hey, your fly’s down”

Oh shit..

*pets fly’s head* you’ll be alright little buddy, chin up.. we’ll get you some new wings