“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
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Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Every work meeting this week
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy