@ashleyaustrew

You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
Goldfish
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
7 Legos
– Chopped: Moms Edition

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@Discourt

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

@PerfectMoms

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

@portmanteauface

I was starting to get nervous until I got this letter offering to let me extend the warranty on a car I sold in 2006

@thevicarious83

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

@Home_Halfway

Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she’s a police horse, who cares

@QwertyJones3

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

@MacAnnabella

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

@NewDadNotes

Me: hey I just sent a girl I like an unsolicited picture of my d-

Roommate: OMG NO

Me: -og and it totally worked! We are going out tomorrow night!

@C00LpenNAME

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name