You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn’t thaw
7 Legos
– Chopped: Moms Edition

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Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.


I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.


I was starting to get nervous until I got this letter offering to let me extend the warranty on a car I sold in 2006


There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.


Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she’s a police horse, who cares


Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?


“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.


Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.


Me: hey I just sent a girl I like an unsolicited picture of my d-

Roommate: OMG NO

Me: -og and it totally worked! We are going out tomorrow night!


I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name