Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.