“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
You Might Also Like
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Love this guy
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.