Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

every man in east london

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…