Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“