Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.