Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

I didn’t come here to be called names

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

You better wish for more oil

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?