When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
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I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Stonehinge
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Ok but actually
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid