“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
You Might Also Like
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
the clam before the storm
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.