“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
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Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this