“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
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I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
How to make infinite energy.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird