Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

This took me a second..

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.