Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

I love you…

…r dog.

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”