Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.