You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
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[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Anime is real
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Saturday
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Somedays I just love AI so much
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours