‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
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Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
j o i m p
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body