‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
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When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
This is my brand.
