“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
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Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
how DARE
Social Media and Real life
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*