“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
You Might Also Like
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.