Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

Windchimes

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

#have a #great #PancakeDay

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.