Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

I’ve had worse

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”