‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
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Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese