Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

Blocked: 1985

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store