You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
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If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?