You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
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My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.