You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
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[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.