You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
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*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
the rocks need my help
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.