You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
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In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Sharon, call the vet
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.