You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
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I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
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A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
LMAO.
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
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showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work