Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

j o i m p

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me