You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
You Might Also Like
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.