You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
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ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
In space, no one can hear…
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.