Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

meanwhile over on facebook

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.