Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.