Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

Some people were born into their job.

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

I camp so other people don’t have to.

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

Can’t. About to go please some beans

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.