Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

2022 will be better than 2021

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.