Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

*limbos under the caution tape

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.