You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
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[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?