Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

I need a headline like this

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings