Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

Order here:
More here:

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?

Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.

Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?

Date: I don’t see a future for us.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.