Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have so many questions.

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

That was easy.

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*