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Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany