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Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.