Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

Uh oh…

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

🥲

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.