“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
this came to me in a vision
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Wait for it
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I want what they have
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
