“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
