“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
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I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Bro what is this
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD