“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
