Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.