You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
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you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Lmao
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.