You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
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My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
no!! no!!!!!!
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.