You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
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my friends when i can’t do basic math
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.