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“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab