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“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?